It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
