you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
