last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
