420 ftw
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
