How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
