I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
