Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
