Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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