You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm too high and old for this...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
