I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
