I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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