You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
