The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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