I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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