he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
