So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
