How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
oh god the rape fog is back!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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