I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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