...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
