I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
