Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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