I just made out with a guy for $7.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
