there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
