I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
