Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
