so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
