My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
