So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
