i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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