The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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