Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
