you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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