that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
