weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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