Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
