Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
