My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
