Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
