Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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