so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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