Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
