So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
