Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
