just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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