I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
