elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
