That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
