There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
