This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
