Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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